i just ate some yogurt for lunch and now i'm waiting for the ICS worker to get here- so they can help me figure out how to get this form that the travel pca sent me a few days ago, which i need to be SIGNED and sent back to her. considering my trailor trash cousin's boyfriend seems to think he's smart for making sure i CAN'T access hotmail on my desktop because he's pissed that i asked him what he's gonna do now that my grandma is dead, so her house/land was sold, so now he can't steal car parts off the cars that were parked on her land and pawn them off- so somehow it makes sense to get my hotmail all messed up.
well, it's about an hour later and the ics worker just helped me get my forms printed and filled out. we didn't even really need my hotmail account- so joke's on that dick. i'm not really sure what to expect on my trip and i'm trying to keep an open mind, considering this is the first time i've been there. i hope it's not a waste of time but it's not like i have anything better to do OR anywhere better for that matter. i'm not even gonna think of ANYONE or ANYTHING back home. it's really not worth it because i don't have any exciting plans or anything to look forward to in minnesota. if anyone really cared about me- they'd be helping me so that i'm REALLY happy doing NEW things (so not just going to some hopeless, unencouraging excuse of a "rehabilitation center" like a MINDLESS, DISABLED FOOL who people assume they can take advantage of because of her brain injury- so they assume i'm an idiot and just DISCOURAGE ANY PROGRESS I MAKE). can't expect my family (except joe) to understand or help me. hopefully this trip helps me. mentally and hopefully so i can actually move physically to somewhere where i don't feel like surveillance is on me and somewhere i can actually be constructive. may have to go to mexico or canada for that.. i'm open to ANYWHERE because this is MY LIFE. when i got into the car accident- sometimes i think my grandma should've just listened to the crocs in buffalo, ny's hospital and unplugged the life support because people seem to have so much of a damn problem with how i choose to live my fuckin life. "YOU GOT THIS!" do i though? with jackasses intentionally refusing to assist me to move safely just because they're not interested in that way of living and it would really put them at an inconvenience to bother assisting another person who is NOT them. i'm NOT gonna give up EVERYTHING i've worked my ass off just to settle for what's more fucking CONVENIENT for people who only show support or "care" for me at their own CONVENIENCE. that's obviously too fuckin hard for my mom and amanda to understand. I LIVED THROUGH A FUCKING COMA THAT I LAID IN FOR 7 MONTHS AND I DIDN'T BUST MY ASS OFF IN REHABILITATION SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DEPEND ON A FUCKING WHEELCHAIR AND SO THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE TO REMAIN DOING THAT UNHELPFUL SHIT IN PHYSICAL THERAPY EVERY FUCKING DAY TO MAKE SOME UNHELPFUL EXCUSE OF A "REHABILITATION" CENTER LOOK LIKE THEY ACTUALLY FUCKIN HELP. I GOT MY MOBILITY FROM ARP THERAPY WHEN TRAM HOLLOWAY HOOKED ME UP TO HIS ARP MACHINE AND TURNED UP THE VOLTAGE. HE ACTUALLY BELIEVED IN ME. he told my grandma STRAIGHT OUT that he'd have me outta my wheelchair. that's a HUGE difference from the croc at gillette children's doctor dr. schuh trying to explain to me that i'd be a quadriplegic my whole life when i asked him to write a prescription for physical therapy at the courage center about 15 years or so ago. my grandma always used to tell me "where there's a will, there's a way." and i thought of that when he tried to discourage me, i thought to myself, "you ain't God." i don't even own a damn wheelchair anymore. i'm not going back to that shit. it hurts my ass. i know i'm wasting my time writing this shit because i've said it at least 20 times before and AMANDA DOESN'T CARE IF IT DOESN'T BENEFIT HER IN SOME WAY. i'm reading the 48 laws of power right now and i'm at the place where it talks about how people won't do anything for you if it doesn't put them in an advantage in some way. that's EXACTLY how my family (except joe) operates when dealing with me. yet amanda and my mom expect me to have the desire to WASTE my life HERE pretending i'm happy and satisfied with life. I DON'T HAVE KIDS OR A HUSBAND. I HAVEN'T FOUND ANYONE WORTH TAKING THOSE STEPS WITH YET. MY GRANDPARENTS DIDN'T STOP MY MOM FROM GOING TO MEXICO, MEETING MY DAD AND HAVING BABY STACY. they knew that she'd get there without their permission- she might as well do it SAFELY. WHAT THE FUCK MAKES OUR SITUATIONS ANY DIFFERENT? "you have a brain injury!" so does my mom.. from nuchal chord. i've experienced WAY more shit than she has- so therefore i'm WISE. all my family and anyone trying to stop me from moving by withholding resources are doing is just making me angry to the point i'm NEVER going to communicate/associate with ANY of you unsupportive pricks again. you weren't there for me when i needed help so it's gonna work both ways. you can spy on me however the fuck you want but it really doesn't make a difference to me since you're not communicating/associating with me anyway. you suck as a mom and family (except joe). "what if there's a medical emergency and you need to get ahold of your family?!" the past two times when i went to the emergency room- EVERY time i called amanda and her mom to let them know i got hurt- NO ANSWER. TALK ABOUT GREAT FAMILY "SUPPORT"! i could've been killed. DOESN'T CONCERN THEM. i didn't call my mom because i didn't feel like hearing an over dramatic hypochondriac attention whore.
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